Have you ever been tempted to put on your “professional hat” at home? If you’re a coach, you’ve probably caught yourself wanting to use your skills to help your spouse. But here’s why that might not be the best idea…
The Unwritten Rule of Coaching
One of the first rules many coaches learn is straightforward yet often challenging to follow: never coach your spouse. As someone who learned this lesson the hard way, I can attest to the wisdom behind this guidance, even though I occasionally found myself ignoring it.
Why Your Spouse Sees Through the “Coach Mode”
The reasoning is deeper than you might expect. Your spouse sees you at your most authentic – they witness your struggles, your contradictions, and your vulnerabilities. They know the real you, not just your professional coaching persona. When you suddenly switch into “coach mode” with them, it can feel inauthentic or even patronizing, regardless of your good intentions.
Learning From Experience
I discovered this truth through personal experience. There were times when I couldn’t resist slipping into my coaching role with my wife, convinced that my professional skills could help resolve our discussions. The result? Her reactions were consistently negative, not because she was resistant to growth or uncoachable, but because the dynamic felt forced and inappropriate.
The “Platinum Rule”: Wait to Be Asked
As I developed in my coaching career, I encountered what some call the “platinum rule” of relationship coaching: never coach your spouse unless they explicitly ask for it. This nuanced approach acknowledges that there might be rare moments when your partner actively seeks your coaching perspective. The key difference is permission – coaching becomes acceptable only when specifically requested.
Extending Beyond Marriage
This rule extends beyond spouses to other close family members, particularly children. The parent-child relationship has its own unique dynamic that can be complicated by formal coaching approaches. Instead, focus on being present in your designated role – as a spouse, as a parent – rather than trying to wear multiple hats.
The Bottom Line
Remember, maintaining healthy boundaries in personal relationships often means keeping your professional skills in check, no matter how helpful you think they might be.
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